Who Leads You?

A conversation that I had with two guy friends after church still lingers in my head. Since they’re both from different social circles, each wasn’t aware that I knew the other before that moment, so we were explaining how we all knew each other. I don’t remember the exact wording because it was a bit peculiar, but one said to the other, “Oh, so you used to lead April in Sunday School?” To which he replied something along the lines of, “Yeah … well, you don’t really ‘lead’ April, she kind of does her own thing.” We laughed, the other guy agreed that it was true and I joked (since somewhere before that we were awkwardly talking about marriage and dating), “Yeah, I’m just looking for someone who will conform to my life.” Shortly after that statement (I really know how to clear a room), the conversation wrapped and we went our separate ways. Yet, the conversation stayed in my head.

It’s not the first time that I’ve been told in some fashion that I have a mind of my own. Maybe I come across as a little too confident. Maybe I don’t need enough or am not vulnerable enough. I kicked myself on the way out to the church parking lot that day for joking that I was looking for someone to conform to my life. It was a joke, we were all joking, it wasn’t entirely true, however, there’s always some truth in jokes. That’s why they’re funny. Had we been in a setting for a longer conversation, I could have explained myself. I do have a hard time being led, there’s no doubt about that.

Years ago, I tried to learn to dance, swing dance to be more specific. I had a friend who was excellent at swing and he would teach groups once a week for a small donation to go back into snacks and such at the church where he worked. I’m the most awkward when it comes to rhythm, Southern Baptist to the core. I’m the most unconfident and uncomfortable when it comes to dancing. I would get different dance partners, most of the time guy friends that I already knew, and they would constantly complain about my unwillingness to follow. I didn’t do this on purpose; it was just my natural tendency. One time, my friend Denis just fussed at me, “Quit trying to lead!” I shouted back, “I wouldn’t have to if you knew what you were doing!” And there it was. Trust. It’s hard to do when you don’t have faith in the person leading.

But then, my friend Chad, the one teaching the swing lessons, grabbed me up and said, “Come on, we’re going to dance.” Before I could even object, he had me on the dance floor and I was being pushed this way and that and, I felt, literally swinging around. Every bit of my resistance was met with his confidence in his ability and was shut down. For a brief moment, I felt like I could dance because Chad was making me dance. His confidence started to give me confidence. He was able to lead despite my natural reaction to resist and I was finally able to get somewhat comfortable within that place of discomfort for me. We both laughed so hard that our heads hurt when the song was over. Later on I thought, “Oh dear, if this is a metaphor for how I am with relationships, it’s going to be a long road.”

However, I can be led. I am being led. I have great relationships with my father and grandfather who have been great examples of manliness, faithfulness, and love. And even more so, the reason why I say I’m looking for someone to conform to my life, is not because I want someone to bend to all of my will and desires, but because I am being led by my heavenly Father. He’s the first that I follow and the last that I will follow. Now, this is not a Jesus is my boyfriend, I’m married to God type thing. Jesus can’t be your boyfriend. You can’t literally marry Him. If you think that you can, go ahead and put your hand up to your face and slap your cheek for me because I can’t even with you right now. But, I do know that God has a purpose for my life. He’s led me to a place where that purpose, for now is specific. In fact, I’ve seen where being single can be a bit of a gift, because I probably wouldn’t have gone into the type of ministry that I have if I was already married.

And that’s where the conflict comes in. If you’re a woman being strongly led by God in a particular direction, will there ever be a man who is willing go there with you and lead you within that calling? Most of our Christian culture would say, “No.” I mean, they would say, “Yes, that’s great that you’re following God’s will!” but on the other hand, you’ll never be able to have both. I’m not saying it’s impossible. I’m not saying that that’s every person’s feeling, but I am saying that that’s the vibe I get from our culture, from those books on how to be a godly woman and how to be a godly man. Might I also add that when you’ve been single for a long time, you get used to doing things for yourself, making decisions, and doing both characteristically feminine and masculine tasks because you need to in order to survive. That can contribute to the divide.

I want both. I’m 30 (31 in less than a month!) and still single. No matter how confident in yourself, your calling, and in Christ you are, it still shakes you from time to time. I’m a secret domestic goddess (a lot of times … Mom, stop laughing.) with dang good cooking skills that I would hate to see go to waste. However, if I am forced to choose, if it has to be one or the other, I will always choose Jesus. If the whole marriage thing isn’t part of my purpose, as much as it would break my heart, I choose the One who has proven time and time again that He’s worthy of my trust. He gives purpose and fulfillment the way no one or nothing else can. And though my life isn’t what I imagined it would be ten years ago, I wouldn’t change where I am for anything. This is where God has led me and I’m nothing but thankful.